A TREE BY THE SEA

My faith slept while You kept Your eyes on me. I looked away while You watched. He thought I wouldn’t be ready the day that he came. Fear creeping inside me, yet I called on Your name. Your eyes never left me. You watched me as I called until our eyes met. You hold my gaze. You say–“Don’t  look from my face. you have all you need. I’ll awaken your faith. Step inside me.”–Hide me. Drive me through the thick of the storm. You’re my shelter, my safe place, where I go to get warm. In here, no fear. Out there, cold and cutting, wind whipping against me, stealing Your words, screeching and howling over all I have heard. In Your center all is still. I can rest down inside you, listen until the beating of our hearts drums into one. In your calm peaceful presence, Your will be done.

She lay on her bed sleeping, her nursing child cuddled next to her. A dream fills her subconscious. She is walking along the shore of a lake that she visited as a girl. There is a desert hillside covered with sage brush to her left and the lake is to her right. Her youngest sits in a backpack peeking over her shoulder and her toddler grasps her right hand walking beside her. She glances up to the hillside and sees a large black cat stalking her. It is slowly making its way down the side of the hill until it comes up beside her. The animal is a predator. It takes her left hand in it’s large jaws and holds on lightly like a dog would. The young woman is afraid yet she knows that she is to show no fear but to walk steadily forward. She walks like this for a time with the mouth of the lion still holding her hand. She comes to a boundary. There are green well watered fields growing up against the dry desert. An American flag is situated at the boundary line. As the woman steps into the fields the lion lets go of her hand and remains in the desert. She hears the words, “The land of the free and the home of the brave.” The young mother wakes and takes note of the dream.

Months later the same woman wakes from another sleep. This is an anesthesia induced rest. There were no dreams yet there are tears in her eyes upon waking. Her surgeon stands in front of her. He is an older man with greying hair. His eyes are compassionate as he explains what was found. “You have cancer.” She can see in his eyes that he has seen young ones die. She listens as he explains the pathology and prognosis. She hears him tell her how advances have been made over the years and she mostly likely will live. The words don’t shake her. There is a peace that falls on her.

She had sat awake the night before. There is a lump growing just above her collar-bone. It had appeared almost imperceptible at first then become more concerning over the months. Blood work and x-rays had given a false sense of security when nothing abnormal was revealed, yet a nagging awareness made her go back to her doctor. Surgery was scheduled. Her parents were assured not to worry. “It’s nothing,” she told them, “Just an excisional biopsy.” She was just making sure, relieving her mind, stopping her fingers from constantly going to the place just below her throat, from probing her skin. Yet, she had sat awake talking to God on the eve of surgery.

August 19, 2008

I have surgery today. I haven’t felt scared but awake tonight with anxiety. This month / Medical bills/ stress with Ben sick and not walking from pain. Multiple trips to the doctor. Anyway, here is what God is telling me. “I love you so…” (1) it’s a book to children from the adults that love them. ” I love you. How much? So much. How much is so? Way, way more than you know.”

She wrote words from the bible. She wrote… “Even the night will be light around me.” from Psalm 18..”the darkness will not hide from You. But the night shines as the day; the darkness and the night are the same to You.” And she believed them. This night standing on the eve of darkness. The dream swirls in her mind. Don’t be afraid, yet her skin prickles with a red rash brought on by anxiety. There is a knowing inside her. She steadies herself and leans into the One who made her.

Modern cancer treatment has three main modalities. Chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. These are known by the nurses and doctors behind the scenes as poisoning, burning, and cutting the rogue cells from their victim. There is no pretty way to say that cancer treatment is a nasty business. Sitting in a chair watching poison slowly drip into her veins while nausea settles over her she keeps Jesus at her center. Lying bolted to a table under a plastic mask molded to fit her face while lasers burn deep beneath her tissues her heart communes with the living God. She decided long before the diagnosis was made. She chose to trust a God that she couldn’t see. She chose to love Him even though her life didn’t make sense. His words remained on her lips and in her heart. She still felt pain. She still struggled with fear but this is her testimony.

When her doctor told her that she would lose her hair she told God. “You number the hairs on my head, You must be thinking a lot about me since you have to re-count everyday.” And, she didn’t lose all her hair. The doctor prescribed her medications for nausea and she was told to eat as much as she could. She said, “They will drink poison and not be harmed, ” and she never vomited a single time while receiving chemo. In fact she gained weight! Her chest hurt and her lungs felt constricted from the mix of medications and radiation but she prayed for God to “create in her a clean heart and renew a right spirit within her.” She knew that God heard her prayer for physically clean lungs and a strong heart. After her treatment she took up running and got in the best physical shape of her life. God did amazing things for her during this time financially. She went from being the major income to not working for a year, yet not a single bill went unpaid. No new debt was ever accrued for the treatments needed, and she was able to rest in confidence relying on God as her provider.

Psalm 118:17 “I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.”

These are the words spoken most frequently during that time and even now seven years later they remain on my lips. I know that God is never far from us. He gave us a voice to speak whatever we choose. I choose to proclaim His goodness because He truly has been good to me.

(1) I Love You So… by Marianne Richmond